Love and Marriage

Frank Sinatra famously sang a catchy song with these lyrics, “Love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage, can't have the one without the other.” However the reality of course is that loveless marriages do exist. This is evident in all cultures. The Palawano culture for instance marries very young, much before they are even able to develop a true conception of what love is. It is common for girls as young as 12 to be married and to have multiple kids before they turn 20. These marriages are not typically based on love and often resemble more of a business partnership than a loving relationship.

The Palawano Christian wives sometimes look at the adult single missionary girls here, and dream about what that sort of single, independence would be like. They wonder how their life would be if they could choose love instead of being told whom to love. Divorces are uncommon, but that doesn't mean these marriages are necessarily more successful than the American ones, that more than 60 percent of the time end with separation.

A while ago two of the Palawano Christian wives were talking about love and marriage with a missionary girl here and the missionary asked them, “Do you love your husband?” They didn't seem to really understand the question, but sort of rolled their eyes as if to say of course. They understood that in marriage this is their role, and they seemed oblivious to any other option.

The North American mindset of marriage sets love as a choice. It is not arranged by powers that are outside of our control. However because it is a choice the option is always there that we can decide to break the vow “tell death do us part” and choose to separate because we have chosen to no longer be “in love.” Love cannot be love unless it is given out of free will. However what the American culture all to often forgets is that love is a choice not a feeling. If we fall out of love, we can choose to walk back into it.

The Palawano culture is not always able to choose love, but this does not mean that their marriages are always loveless. They do often grow into love. Nonetheless not being able to choose has some negative consequences.

This week we heard about one of the young brides to be. She is only 12 years old. The custom here is for the engaged couple to live together once the endowment for the bride has been paid. So before the actual marriage, the couple, in the eyes of society are essentially all ready husband and wife. We heard that this 12 year old girl was beat by her father because she refused to sleep with her fiancée. She wasn't beaten to the point of noticeable bruising but the manipulative nature of such action is of course damaging nonetheless.

1st John 4:18 says,“ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Counterfeit love is coerced not chosen, though at times it may appear genuine, forced love can never be anything more than a pseudo, type of make believe love. Love and marriage were designed to go together. Marriage is sanctioned by God, and love is to be its fundamental and divine attribute. However for love to be perfect it must be freely given.

God places a supreme importance on free will, enabling humanity to choose love is why He died on the cross. The ability for humanity to activate their free will means the choice to accept or reject God's love must always remain. God is all powerful, but there is some things He is unwilling to do. He cannot change the definition of what He has previously defined. For instance a triangle has three sides, it is impossible to make a triangle have four sides because then its essence would no longer be that of a triangle. The same way with free will, God could manipulate our will so that we would by default serve Him, but doing so would change the essence of free will, and God is unable/unwilling to change that definition because, “He is love” (1 Jn:4:16).

I am glad I come from a culture that places the emphasis on love in marriage. Love is a choice to be faithful, it is not a variable dependent on feelings that can change with the seasons. Love is meant to be everlasting, and the genuine kind of love, “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor 13:7).


3 of these girls in the pictures are getting married. 12 years old does not look any older here than it does anywhere else.